"Thank you for choosing Starbucks."

I am embarrassed to admit that nearly every weekday -- sometimes twice when I'm extra stressed -- I visit Starbucks, slap my out-stretched arm up on the counter, and allow them to inject their bold drip coffee (AKA "heroin light") into my fiending body.

I noticed on my way out the door this morning that their savvy corporate message managers had the audacity to "Thank [me] for choosing Starbucks" via door sign on my out. Thanks for "choosing" Starbucks? There's not a lot of choosing to it.

If by "Thank you for choosing Starbucks" you really mean "We recognize that without our bitter, slightly burned coffee your mind will wander and deteriorate, your body will ache and atrophy, and you will cease to function. Thank you for your addiction!" then fine. I accept their gratitude. But, as far as I can tell, this is the only Starbucks choice I have: From the corner of 15th and K -- the block on which my building sits -- I can see three (3) Starbucks.

Starbucks A:
Distance - 45 seconds, walking
Attributes - Longest line; highest concentration of attractive young professional males; Consistent service

Starbucks B:
Distance - 90 seconds, walking
Attributes - Shortest line; Good service; Most likely to be accosted by a homeless person en route

Starbucks C:
Distance - 3 minutes, walking
Attributes - Average line; Best outdoor seating; Most likely to have unplanned encounter with an ex-boyfriend

(No, Starbucks, THANK YOU for helping me responsibly spend my money. And for giving ME so many choices).